You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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