He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
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Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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