Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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