Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.