the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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