I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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