I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
