Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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