Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
