Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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