Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
