I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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