I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
