Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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