Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
