So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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