"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
