i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
