My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
