My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
