Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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