I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
