Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
