I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
