Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Boobs are out for the taking
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
