Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
