How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm sobbing to NWA
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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