I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
