peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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