do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
