Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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