Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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