reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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