I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
