Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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