I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
