my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
