sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
