Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
