Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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