Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
