Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
