My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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