I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it because I queefed?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i think i just lost a toe
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
