Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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