Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
