I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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