moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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