What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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