I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you never un-have a 4some
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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