Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
