You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
