If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
