Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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