Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
