I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
