I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
