i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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