Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
