I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
